And just like that, nine weeks have come and gone. SO much has changed in these nine weeks that it’s hard to believe I am the same person who started this blog a few months ago. As I think about all the things I learned, the people I met, the moments we shared, I think the biggest change so far has been the internal transformation – that which not many others can actually see. For the first time ever I am not living in fear. It wasn’t until recently that I realized how much I feared everything: people’s opinion of me, rejection, loss, security. I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it is so liberating to no longer feel that way. To know that no matter what happens tomorrow, I’ll still be ok. And if it all ends tomorrow, I am ok with that too. That maybe I spent all this time thinking I had to work really hard to get somewhere, when all I needed was to just enjoy where I was and be thankful for the lessons.

Sometimes it takes a while to really understand what is happening around us. I believe it took me some slowing down and meditating to actually understand what was happening in my life. I burned everything to the ground and was too impatient about wanting things to grow back right away that I wasn’t actually taking the time to plant what I wanted to grow, or weed what I didn’t want anymore, or to just reflect on why I needed to do this. But the seven weeks of intense yoga training help me understand that it was ok to not know what was coming. That it is ok to be dealt a crappy hand – there that is. This is my new favorite saying, from one of my yoga teachers. We see it, we acknowledge it, we move on. I spent the first few months of my separation punishing myself for leaving. I was so judgmental about choosing to stand up for myself, that I felt like I didn’t deserve to be happy. I thought it was ok to be treated like crap because I was a failure. And then one day a friend reminded that I was stronger than that. It took one person’s kind words to bring me back to who I really am. THERE THAT IS. All the ugliness that came with it. The harsh words from MIL, the insults from ex, the friends who turns out were never really friends. I understand their pain, I see how hard it is for them, and I no longer let them define who I am.

I will soon start teaching yoga and I am excited/terrified. And I choose to trust that this is all part of what I need to go through. So I’ll embrace it, despite the heart palpitations every time I think about it. Because for the first time in a really long time I feel completely happy and perfect. I have support from people that care about me, and I know I can turn to them to ground me when I lose my confidence.

Can’t wait to post more about my experience teaching! EEK.