I know I’ve been MIA for a couple of days. My bad. But I was very productive. And while I wasn’t writing, I still had a very cathartic weekend. You see, I spent the weekend breaking attachments and decluttering my life. It all started Friday night when I was talking to a friend about my life, hopes, and dreams. After just an hour he was able to zero in and synthesize my life into a few sentences. I do not have a lot of people that I am close with. At first I was embarrassed and defensive about his comment. Somehow I felt like I was less of a person, or maybe a loser for being so alone. So my answer was, oh I’m just a loner. But he saw right through that. Because I’m not a loner, really. I’m just someone who has had to adapt to being a loner. Like an army brat (his example), I’ve just adapted to people leaving and my situation changing from one day to the next. But there are some really amazing people around me, if I would just give them a chance to be part of my life.

Ever since I can remember I’ve been like a turtle. Whatever I own or carry with me is my home. You see, when you get bounced around a lot, or when you don’t feel comfortable in your own home, you start forming attachments to objects that make you feel comfortable and safe. Perhaps a birthday card from five years ago when life was stable, or a picture of the good times, or even a stuffed animal. I keep, or rather kept, all these things for years. But after my epiphany on Friday, I realized that I can’t move on until I shed all of these attachments. All this time I have been living in the past. Remembering the good times in high school, with the friends that were just always there. I didn’t have to try. But as my friend pointed out, I’ve been in the US for over 10 years. So almost as long as I lived in Venezuela. But somehow, I haven’t gotten used to making this my home. And I think it is because I have been living in the past. I have been longing for what I used to have, or who I used to be.

So I spent this weekend purging – throwing out all these objects that are holding me back. Some were easy to dispose of, others were very hard to part with. But I feel better just after two days. Because if I truly want to love and accept myself, I have to start actually accepting that my life has changed. That my old friends will always hold a special place in my heart, but that they too have moved on. And that doesn’t mean we don’t love each other. It just means that it’s ok for me to open up to new people and allow myself to be vulnerable around them. That if I really want to fit in, I need to stop living life like an outsider. And that is something I never realized I was doing.