I didn’t post yesterday. There are many excuses I can give. But honestly? I’m so tired. ALL. THE. TIME. I went to contemplative yoga and my body spoke to me. Slow down. Sleep. Hear me when I caution you to take it easy. So I got home and took an Epsom salt bath and went to bed. And it was amazing. Today I’ll post twice to make up for it.

Lately I feel like our lives are ruled by numbers. Hours, money in the bank, pounds, macros, weight we’re lifting, number of reps, size of our clothes, etc. But what do these numbers really mean or represent? I was thinking about my weight, for example. Two years ago I won a nutrition challenge at Crossfit. I dropped six pounds, 3% of body fat, and improved my performance in the workout by 3 minutes. I felt like I was on top of the world. I look at the picture now and what I see is exhaustion and sadness. I weighed 116 pounds and that number represented so much to me at the time. I was skinny, I had somewhat visible abs, I was hot. But when I see this picture now I see someone who was depressed, lonely, afraid, looking for someone to help her. I thankfully found Crossfit.

Today I weigh 130 pounds and I feel great about how strong I am. I like that my arms and legs have actual, big, bulky muscles. It makes me feel confident about myself. Even when people make fun of my arms. Sometimes I’ll see pictures of girls doing yoga on Instagram and think wow, it looks like I’m 10x that girl. But then I stop myself. Who cares? We were born originals, do we want to die as copies? I don’t. I’m making it seem like I’m ok with numbers. Maybe I’m just ok with the number on the scale. But I also obsess and freak out over numbers. For me is how many times a week did I work out. Guess what? That’s unhealthy too. I realized last night after speaking with two different yoga teachers, and doing some meditation, that I need to slow down. My body is screaming so loudly that others can hear it, but I can’t. Perhaps in an effort to drown out all the noise around me, and forget about all the things that aren’t going right in my life at the present moment, I drowned out my own voice. Working out can be an amazing stress reliever. But beating myself up to not feel all the other pain is not the right solution. So I’m going to slow down. I am going to be kind and gentle with my body. Because this is a gift. How can I expect others to treat my body with love and respect when I haven’t been doing so? Yes, it’s awesome to be able to hit PRs (personal records) and post about my hardcore challenge. I’m not saying those things are bad. What I’m saying is find a balance and don’t lose yourself. Sometimes you do need to sit with the feelings you’re having, instead of ignoring them and punishing your body with cardio. Love yourself every.single.day <3