So last night I got home kind of late but still decided to write a post about my day. However, when I attached a picture, it deleted my whole post. So you didn’t get to read about my accomplishments. Here’s the important part that you missed: I baked! And it was good. Why is this important or relevant? Because I have become really good a self-deprecating humor when it comes to cooking or baking. Part of it is my own insecurity about my lack of creativity in the kitchen, but part of it is also the fact that I was with a partner for five years who also criticized my way of cooking. I didn’t put love into it, I didn’t cut my vegetables right, I wasn’t using enough heat, I was using too much heat, I didn’t beat the eggs enough, there aren’t enough calories in this meal, etc. etc. etc. So it becomes easy to just say I’m not good at it and make fun of myself before someone else did that. But now that I live by myself, why not try again? Isn’t this all part of this experience I’m going through? Who is the real me vs. the “me” that has been molded and told that she couldn’t be this or had to be that? In my quest for finding who I really am, I need to start all over again. Am I good at it or not? Maybe I’m good at, but I just prefer not to do it. That would be fine. But let’s shed some of these labels that I have been carrying around for a while. Long story short (does this even count as short?) I baked. And it was a lot of fun, and both of my desserts came out great.

Now, what does all that have to do with my title? Nothing. I just told you I would talk about it more today. But also a lot. Because I am shedding all the labels that used to describe me. One of them is weak.

“But when the strong were too weak to hurt the weak, the weak had to be strong enough to leave.” Milan Kundera

This is a really powerful quote from an amazing book. I saw it this morning on an Instagram post and it resonated with me so much. I’ve been called weak and a coward for leaving. But what nobody understands is that leaving actually takes a lot of strength and courage. It would be so easy to stay, play a part, go on living the routine I’ve grown accustomed to. But instead I chose to wake up, and break everything, and leave. And while it hasn’t been easy at all, it has been incredibly liberating and has allowed me to explore and learn so much more about myself. One of the lessons I’m learning now is vulnerability. I’ve fought so hard to appear strong, while all the while believing I was weak. I never wanted anyone to see how weak I was. I was ashamed of myself. And if you got too close to see it, I would push you away. If someone made fun of me, even if it was just a joke, I would really get upset. I didn’t want anyone to see my faults. And when they did, I would break. It is so exhausting to be guarded all the time. To be on the lookout, to be tense, to be perfect. No one is, so why try? The most beautiful parts of who I am, are also the softest and easiest to break. So what? You don’t put an armor on a flower to keep it from withering. You don’t trap a butterfly, you let her fly. Putting myself out there takes courage. But it also feels great to just be me and not worry about how I’m being perceived. Not everyone is going to like who I am, what I say, and how I dress. But I’m no longer letting that define how I feel about myself or how I act.

Given my new venture into the world of vulnerability, I not only started writing this blog, but also started posting some of my writing on writing.com. It’s incredibly nerve-wracking to post and wait for feedback. Yes, I know I just said I won’t let others’ opinion of me define me. But it still is something very personal I’m putting out there. And come on, I just started! Anyways, this morning was awesome because I logged in and noticed that two people had reviewed my latest piece and were really encouraging. This is even more amazing because I wrote about a very personal experience, not just fiction. I know this won’t always be the case. In fact, there are two other postings which have gotten mixed reviews. But today I am very grateful!